As a kid I never had any ambition, and just merely lived from day to day. I never knew what I wanted to do when I grow up. I was not grown up yet, so how was I supposed to know? I was made wrong and really bad. I was unhappy and miserable and so I packed up all my clothings in a bundle, and left my grandma's house. At night I came back. I was afraid. I was 5 years old.
I left my country, Malaysia, at 19, to come to UK to study. The professional course of study would bring me a lot of money and someday would make me rich. It was my family's hope, and decision, not mine. I flunked College, dropped out, and became a hippy and an outsider. I was happy, sort of.
I was addicted to cigarettes, drinks and drugs. Until I was jailed for one night for possession. Of all the unlikely places, there I got my first awakening. I suddenly got it that even when I would be out the next day, I would still be living in a prison. It was a prison of my own making. When I got out of jail the following day I threw all my stashed drugs, cigarettes, booze and kicked all my friends out of my room. My self-created life attitude was my prison cell! I was 35.
In my aloneness I found Osho, my first spiritual teacher. At his ashram in 1976 I discovered what it was like to surrender to life. I was crossing a busy chaotic street in India, when all of a sudden I felt as if somebody was pushing my head to bow down to the earth. So I bowed down in the middle of the road. I stayed like that for about ˝ hour, unconcerned of the danger. I had to surrender to the strong energy. When I finally finished, I was like a transformed person.
Many miraculous things then happened to me. My body showed me that I could float up and float down in slow motion when I danced, to my amazement and amusement, and those of the other dancers too.. Powerful energies would course through my body and my light finger touch would hurl a grown man a metre or two away. To my amazement. And my fingers seemed to have a life of their own, would easily find blocked energies in people, and released them. I did not know, but my body knew! My body moved by itself and made various sacred movement shapes. I enjoyed this, and simply let it all happen. Back in London, when I was teaching Voice Dialogue psychotherapy to a group of people outdoors. I experienced what a joy and ecstasy it was to be embodied, to feel the body's sensualities. A light gentle breeze blowing on my face sent me into orgasmic ecstasy.
Later, I was looking after my girl friend who was suffering from schizophrenia, and suffered mentally too, and was under severe stress. After 10 years of unbelievable suffering, I heard a stern voice in my head telling me to “honour your own life”. I did not have a life of my own. Somehow the voice was compelling, and even though it was excruciatingly painful for me to do it, I left her. No matter what, I needed to honour my own life. I did not know what it meant, and so stumblingly I tried in my own way to be me, to honour me.
I studied numerous alternative forms of therapy, and was a qualified practitioner of at least 10 different forms in the field of Mind, Body and Spirit, including Reconnective Healing. Something inside me told me I was still not good enough. Until in February 2011, at 70, I discovered Access Consciousness listening to Rikka on World Puja broadcasts.
I was overjoyed. It was like homecoming! How does it get any better than this? Since then I bought and read as many books about it and listened to Rikka and Dain on mp3s as much as I can. I attended Bars classes, and now I am a Bars Facilitator. I use the tools I have been given. I am feeling happier and happier. Life is such a celebration, a grand adventure. it is exciting, it is thrilling. I enjoy playing this game of life. And I love being me, and know what it means to honour my own life. YES yes yes. Hooray! What else is possible?
If you feel inspired, come play with me. Join my Bars Class. You are most welcome.
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